she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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