Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
