Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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