Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Did you just see the Batmobile???
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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