I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
