Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
