if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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