Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
