So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
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