I wanna bring you to show and tell
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
