she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
