He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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