youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
