the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
