Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
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Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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