My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
