I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
