Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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