I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
