Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
