Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
