Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
