I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
