When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
