Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
