What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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