I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
