I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
