I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
