i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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