I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
