I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Randomize
