The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
