I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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