I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The power of my boobs compel you
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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