I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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