Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
he high fived his dick after we had sex
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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