Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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