I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
