nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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