just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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