shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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