So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
They took my balls.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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