Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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