dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
