Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
