so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
