My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
