i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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