I looked at my own cervix.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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