then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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