Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
