Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
