6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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