If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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