My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
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I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
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Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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