Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
How external is "for external use only"?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
i need some magic done to my vagina
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
