just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
