I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
